Having a bad day

You know those days when you just want everything and everyone to be okay, but it feels like nothing at all is going right? For me, that’s today.

 

I love being at home for break… for about 4 days. I love my mom, I really do. She is amazing and would do anything for me and I would do anything for her. But, we are way too much alike. We get along and then we get tense with each other. She also just started a new business and I’m so, so proud of her but, I hate working there. It is miserable but, I do it cause I love her… and I don’t really have much of a choice. At this point, I really just want to be back at school, working on homework. Odd, but true.

 

Then, there are my friends from home. The friends I have known for almost 10 years. Most of these are friends who are completely okay with our friendships disappearing or who are different then I always thought they were. These are friends who, when our friendships got tested pretty hard, for the first time, either got mad or ignored the problem. And, now that I’ve made friends in college, I know what a true friendship feels like. The ones from home do not feel real anymore. They feel fake and forced. I get to see all of these “friends” in two days and we haven’t really said our goodbyes, but I don’t want to put on a show for other people. I don’t want to save face. I know that it’s going to hurt, but I need to say goodbye. I just don’t know how.

 

And, finally, there is my friend dealing with disordered eating. I wish, with every fiber of my being, that she could see herself through my eyes. I really do. I care so much about her and wish that I could do something… anything... to prove to her how amazing she is and how beautiful she is. Seriously, if you could see a picture of her, you would understand. But, for some reason, and I’m not 100% sure why, she feels that starving herself to lose weight will make her happy. She says that she can stop when she gets to a specific weight but, I’ve seen this before and I don’t know if she truly can. I can see this consuming her and pulling her further and further under its hold. I would literally give up my life so that she wouldn’t have to struggle with this. And, you may think that that is weird or stupid but, I’ve been where she has. I would never wish it on anybody. So, I will always be there for her but, I can’t help her or save her. No one can except herself and I truly hope she realizes that before it is too late.

 

So, that is why I am here. I’m not happy being home. I have to say goodbye to most of my friends. I can’t do anything for my other friend. Also, I can’t finish this stinkin’ scarf that I should be done with by now. So, I’m here… venting. Will it be better tomorrow, after a good night’s sleep… yes. I love my life. I love my friends and family. Hopefully tomorrow something will work out right. There is always hope. That is something to hold onto. So, have faith because a lot can change in a small amount of time. I’m imperfect. We all are and that is okay.

Stress

I am proud to say that my “newfound confidence,” as my friend put it, has not yet dissipated! Because of this, I decided that I am going to keep posting, although it may be sporadic. I am the kind of person who could post two blogs in one day or one blog in two weeks, so don’t expect much.

 

Today, I decided that I would write about stress because we all deal with it and because I have a lot at the moment. See, I have three applications due in about three weeks. Each of those applications needs three references. On top of that, I am working for my mom while I am at home, there is a lot of friendship drama going on, and I have other friends who come to me when they need someone to talk to. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love that people feel like they can open up to me, but, there is stress involved.

 

Everyone deals with stress. We each operate at our own levels and you can only deal with so much. That is what leads to ways that each person deals with their stress. The ways that are most common to me are unhealthy and things that should be avoided. I have a friend that used to cut when she felt stressed. I have a friend who cries and has panic attacks. I have another friend who stress-eats and toots when she gets stressed. I used to ignore the stress and hoped it went away. Like I said, these are ones that should be avoided. But, I also have friends who deal with their stress in alternative manners. Keening which, for those of you who don’t know, is therapeutic moaning, counseling, talking to someone, journaling… all of these are healthy ways to deal with stress. And there are so many more.

 

Stress will always be there. It is impossible to avoid, even if you try really hard. Trust me, I know from experience. Anyway, I guess my point is that, if we can’t avoid stress, we might as well find a good way to deal with it or it will control us. And, if you read my last blog, I am sick and tired of things controlling me and controlling the decisions that I make. Therefore, I have found good ways to deal with stress instead of cutting, or not eating, or manipulating those around me. If you’re stressed, that’s okay. Just don’t let it take hold of you and don’t let it hurt you. Work with me in becoming an imperfect perfection and control the stress rather than letting it control you!

Society

Society has destroyed us. It is as simple as that. But, I realized today, for the first time in a long time, that I can truly be confidant in myself without society's approval. What changed? I did. I have a friend who is struggling with disordered eating and, for some reason, it was particularly bad today. It got to the point where I asked if she would be okay if this problem destroyed her and made her do things that she wouldn't typically do. Do you know what she said to me? She said yeah, she would be okay with it as long as she lost weight.

 In that moment, my heart broke so completely. I am not exaggerating when I say that I felt physical pain when I read that.  This friend is someone that I care about so, so much. The fact that she is dealing with this destroys me. What is worse is that I have other friends who have dealt with this and, currently deal with this. In fact, I have dealt with this. Speaking from personal experience, I stopped eating because I felt fat and unworthy and was disgusted with myself. But, today, when my dear friend told me that she was willing to let disordered eating destroy her, I finally realized that I am done letting society dictate how I feel about myself.

 I am an average girl. I weigh 163 pounds, my hair is definitely not perfect, I have NO sense of fashion (ask my roommate)... Society would not consider me beautiful in any way, shape, or form. Up until today, I let that control how I felt about myself. Society cannot tell me how to feel about myself. Why do we let "society" control us? Let me ask you something: who is society? We always say, society this and society says that, but who are we talking about? For me, society has always been that beautiful model on the cover of magazines, proving to me that I will never be good enough. Society is that girl who everyone thinks is the most beautiful, but deep down, she is struggling with as much insecurity as anybody else, but no one sees that.

I can't fix society. I also know that this is an issue that has been around for a long time and doesn't want to disappear anytime soon. But, I want to make a difference. I NEED to make a difference. No one should want a problem to destroy them so that they lose weight. And disordered eating is not the only thing I hear about. Throughout this year, people have come to me with other things like self-harm, friendship drama, hypocrisy, stress related issues, and so much more. So, I'm here to say that something needs to change besides me. This is not a new idea and, it seems impossible, but it's not. I did not create this blog to gain followers or to make a step-by-step process on how to cure some issue that you are dealing with. I created this blog so that someday, maybe, one person will be changed that way that I was changed today. I don’t know what exactly I am going to do, but I am going to do something to fix this issue. I’m doing this because today, I feel beautiful. I feel worthy. I feel amazing. And, most of all, I feel like an imperfect perfection and I couldn’t ask for a better feeling.