You know those days when you just want everything and
everyone to be okay, but it feels like nothing at all is going right? For me,
that’s today.
I love being at home for break… for about 4 days. I love my
mom, I really do. She is amazing and would do anything for me and I would do
anything for her. But, we are way too much alike. We get along and then we get
tense with each other. She also just started a new business and I’m so, so
proud of her but, I hate working there. It is miserable but, I do it cause I
love her… and I don’t really have much of a choice. At this point, I really
just want to be back at school, working on homework. Odd, but true.
Then, there are my friends from home. The friends I have
known for almost 10 years. Most of these are friends who are completely okay
with our friendships disappearing or who are different then I always thought
they were. These are friends who, when our friendships got tested pretty hard,
for the first time, either got mad or ignored the problem. And, now that I’ve
made friends in college, I know what a true friendship feels like. The ones
from home do not feel real anymore. They feel fake and forced. I get to see all
of these “friends” in two days and we haven’t really said our goodbyes, but I don’t
want to put on a show for other people. I don’t want to save face. I know that it’s
going to hurt, but I need to say goodbye. I just don’t know how.
And, finally, there is my friend dealing with disordered
eating. I wish, with every fiber of my being, that she could see herself
through my eyes. I really do. I care so much about her and wish that I could do
something… anything... to prove to her how amazing she is and how beautiful she
is. Seriously, if you could see a picture of her, you would understand. But,
for some reason, and I’m not 100% sure why, she feels that starving herself to
lose weight will make her happy. She says that she can stop when she gets to a
specific weight but, I’ve seen this before and I don’t know if she truly can. I
can see this consuming her and pulling her further and further under its hold.
I would literally give up my life so that she wouldn’t have to struggle with
this. And, you may think that that is weird or stupid but, I’ve been where she
has. I would never wish it on anybody. So, I will always be there for her but,
I can’t help her or save her. No one can except herself and I truly hope she realizes
that before it is too late.
So, that is why I am here. I’m not happy being home. I have
to say goodbye to most of my friends. I can’t do anything for my other friend.
Also, I can’t finish this stinkin’ scarf that I should be done with by now. So,
I’m here… venting. Will it be better tomorrow, after a good night’s sleep… yes.
I love my life. I love my friends and family. Hopefully tomorrow something will
work out right. There is always hope. That is something to hold onto. So, have
faith because a lot can change in a small amount of time. I’m imperfect. We all
are and that is okay.
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